SearchThat’s Enough, NASA
Released by Noom
I was browsing through some news stories when I came across this. Apparently those eggheads over at NASA think it is a good idea to make the mars rover smarter to take better pictures. I for one think this is a terrible mistake. We don’t need a mars rover that is smarter, we need a mars rover with more firepower; because if I know anything about space, it’s that you are always in need of some kind of laser cannon.
By making a more intelligent space robot, not only are we risking a Skynet-type situation where the rover figures out how to crash all of earth’s satellites into parks full of children, we are also making ourselves look like pussies in front of the aliens. If an alien approaches the rover and the four wheeled nerd starts quoting Shakespeare and attempting to discuss Neitzche, without a doubt they will invade us (but not with the sexy results Species had). If, however, the rover is prepared with a couple of flamethrowers and a gattling gun, those red rock loving hippies are going to learn that you don’t mess with the US of A.
I also find this whole sissy photography thing decidedly unAmerican. Last I checked it was the Japanese who visit somewhere to take pictures of garbage caught in updrafts and to be amazed by clumps of dirt. If Abraham Lincoln were still around I bet he’d be furious at the lack of firepower on our rover, or should I say “Intergalactic Liberator.” It’s the American Way to show up on someone else’s doorstep waving a gun and demanding to be served a cheeseburger in goddamn English, not a burger de fromage, a motherfucking Cheese, Burger! Besides, what good is discovering new life if you can’t conquer it?
I think you’re partially right. Yes the space rover needs lasers and guns, a full array of weapons. But it also needs to be smarter. Now I know what you’ll say, “skynet… robot wars… etc.” That’s exactly the point. The human race is ok and all, but we’re making a horrible mess of the planet, and frankly we’re not going anywhere with it. A race of intelligent robots can do better. The sooner we make them and arm them, the sooner they can kill all humans and take over, and everyone will be better off for it. Well, except humans.
Comment by Richy on May 30th, 2006 at 8:18 am |While I hate to spoil the fun with a serious point, I think NASA really needs to get back to doing stuff that actually impresses the citizenry. Nobody gives two fucks about a higher-res picture of a lot of dirt. We need to stick a goddamned human on that planet, and we need to do it stat. We should’ve plopped an American on the moon two decades ago, but we decided to muck around with the two stupidest endeavors ever to appear out of NASA - the space shuttle, and the ISS. Screw that. I want to see footage of Armstrong v2 playing tackle football with his buddies up and down the Martian landscape. I want to see him spit into Olympus Fucking Mons. I want him to assert our basic evolutionary dominance all over that damned rock.
If the human race hasn’t left the solar system before I die, I’m going to be very disappointed in us.
Comment by Jeff Hemenway on May 30th, 2006 at 10:27 am |“Besides, what good is discovering new life if you can’t conquer it?”
No good if you also can’t fuck it. It’s mankind’s destiny, doncherknow.
Comment by Hacksaw on May 30th, 2006 at 11:35 am |Well Jeff, if you’re up for spending years taking in deadly levels of radiation, you’re free to climb into the next shuttle out of here. I for one will wait for aliens to do all the hard work of coming here, and I’ll assert my evolutionary dominance by killing them from the confort of my own home.
Comment by Richy on May 30th, 2006 at 12:16 pm |Have you seen the pansy-arse thing they have on the side of the Pioneer probe? Clearly they are saying, “Here are the directions to Earth, come and invade us please.” It’s a disgrace, it really is.
Comment by Coldred on May 30th, 2006 at 2:48 pm |Well Jeff, if you’re up for spending years taking in deadly levels of radiation, you’re free to climb into the next shuttle out of here.
Honestly? I would seriously consider trading in ten years of my life for the opportunity to personally explore the solar system. Of course, that assumes that it’s impossible to send man into space without him succumbing to “deadly levels of radiation”. I have more confidence in man’s ingenuity than that.
Comment by Jeff Hemenway on May 30th, 2006 at 3:27 pm |Mars needs God and democracy.
Comment by Damon Beres (Zodiac Brave) on May 30th, 2006 at 6:48 pm |